Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
