Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
