i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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