she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
