Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize