i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
