Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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