made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
