I wish my penis had an off switch
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize