Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
