oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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