i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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