I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
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