Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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