oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
