Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
