Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
