why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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