his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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