I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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