just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
