mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Blood and glitter go together right?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
