This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
