I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
