ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
