he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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