Buhtt sex?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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