My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
