Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
