I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
