you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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