just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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