i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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