How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you never un-have a 4some
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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