Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
