My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
