dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
