Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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