You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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