i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she pinky promised me she was 18
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
