Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
