she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
