I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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