i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
