We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
