so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up under a house in Key West
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
