Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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