....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
