Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
someone owes me an orgasm
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
