I looked at my own cervix.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
