he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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