i don't plan on having that self control this summer
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
