we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
