that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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