good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
