Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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