i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
