Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
